We are trying potty training again. YoungestGirl is totally ready for it, but whilst her elder sister is eager to please and generally mindful of authority, YoungestGirl prefers… waiting until we’re not watching and pooing behind the curtain.
We made an abortive attempt over the summer. “Perfect,” we thought. “Hot summer weather, running around in swimming costumes. Perfect time to potty train.”
Believe me, the third time you pop a poo – bulging revoltingly – out of a Boden swimming costume, you too would give up on potty training.
In fact, the only excuse YoungestGirl herself could give for refusing to use the potty was, “Mummy, but I’m scared of my farts.” Funnily enough, she doesn’t seem quite so scared of them whilst wearing her nappy, jumping on our lap and letting one rip.
She will, however, use the potty under certain conditions. This does require an extensive system of bribes which are almost definitely flouting several UN regulations.
- I must hold her hand on the potty at all times. Unrelatedly I have awful backache this evening.
- Any wee produced on the potty earns a sticker for her sticker chart UNLESS (see point 3)
- If a wee is produced on the potty upstairs, it does not earn a sticker, but instead earns a mini marshmallow
- Any poo on the potty (purely hypothetical at this stage) earns a sticker, a mini-marshmallow, 15 minutes of tablet time, a royal bastarding fanfare, full on Disney parade, a victory dance and fireworks. Like I say, this is a purely hypothetical poo at the minute, but I am willing to promise pretty much anything.
During point 1 – hand-holding on the potty – I must make myself available at all times to be prodded, pushed, cuddled and poked. Today she said to me, whilst stroking my face, “I love you, Mummy because you are lovely. And also I like pinching your face.” And then she commenced pinching.
I said, “That’s not kind, YoungestGirl. Do you think I like it when you pinch my face?”
“YES!” she replied jubilantly, jumped off the potty, wiggled her bottom at me and danced off giggling.
It is going to be a long week.