Spewing words

So this post was going to be about Universal Studios and the fun we all had. But that has been postponed for now. Instead (lucky you) you are going to be treated to a blow-by-blow account of winter vomiting virus.

YoungestGirl had been a bit grizzly for a while (about three months, but who’s counting?), which I had put down to teething. They basically teethe constantly from 5 months to 3 years, so it’s a fairly safe bet. I thought a game of tickle-the-baby might help. It didn’t. My efforts were rewarded with a torrent of vomit spewing out at a velocity of which the girl from The Exorcist would be proud. I actually checked to make sure her head wasn’t spinning round. “TheBloke (TM),” I screamed in my gentlest voice, “can you bring a towel please?”

“I’m doing a wee,” said TheBloke (TM), selfishly.

YoungestGirl took this moment to really think about her aim, and got her next vomit down the furthest crack of our sofa. Our sofa cushions do not come off. Whilst TheBloke (TM) handed me a towel and took YoungestGirl for a bath, I had the enviable task of trying to reach the warm-but-rapidly-cooling vomit that had got into the cracks of the leather sofa. Unfortunately, once I started cleaning it, it became very obvious that our sofa was just generally very dirty. And where it had been an off-cream colour, now four of the five seats were an off-cream, and one of them was a lot cleaner. So I had to clean the rest of the sofas too. In the meantime, YoungestGirl shat herself.

Bedtime. Finally. Children asleep. TheBloke (TM) and I went to bed and were just drifting off to sleep when YoungestGirl woke up. She vomited all over herself and her bed and shat herself again. We did another bath for her, put her back to bed and went to sleep. For about seven minutes, until exactly the same thing happened again. We ran out of baby sleeping bags.

The next day she seemed much better. Unfortunately, it was TheBloke (TM)’s turn to have the bug. At least I didn’t have to change him. It was purely a matter of time until I and EldestGirl got it. Miraculously, EldestGirl seemed OK.

Fast forward two days, and I was smug about EldestGirl and myself not getting the bug. Once again TheBloke (TM) and I had just drifted off to sweet unconsciousness. “BLLLURRRGH,” was the delightful noise from EldestGirl’s room. In the bath she went. I washed the sick out of her hair and cleaned the bathroom floor and cracked out the Vanish carpet cleaner. TheBloke (TM) stripped the bed, rounded up the spare duvet and put her back to bed. I cursed the 48 hour rule meaning that she wouldn’t be able to go to nursery for another two days, just as YoungestGirl was well enough to leave the house again.

EldestGirl was sick four more times between midnight and 2 a.m. Once she got my feet. I had stopped caring by that point, as I had already changed my own pyjamas twice.

After two restless days on a little bed we made up for her her on the sofa, driving me potty with endless Disney films that she wasn’t really watching, EldestGirl was finally well enough to go to nursery.

“BLLLURRRGH,” went YoungestGirl all over her bed, as I put her down for a nap. “FML,” I said loudly. “Can all of you please stop vomiting for three minutes?” YoungestGirl answered my prayers by doing a shit so vile and leaky I actually just threw her clothes away.

We are now a week into this. EldestGirl seems much better, though a bit wobbly. YoungestGirl hasn’t vomited for 24 hours, but is still producing nappies that can make TheBloke (TM) weep genuine tears of disgust.

I, in the meantime, have a cold.

The only good news in any of this is that (coincidentally) I finally stopped breastfeeding last week, as YoungestGirl is now 15 months old and eats bigger portions than I do, so I can finally hammer any minor malady with ALL THE DRUGS. Codeine is fine for a cold, yes?

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