Weigh to Go

Our start to healthy eating has been rocky to say the least. On New Year’s Eve, a brand new pair of scales arrived, which promised to measure not only our weight, but our body fat, bone mass, muscle mass and about twenty other metrics that I didn’t even know about.

On New Year’s Eve, the weigh-in commenced, and a target of 5% body weight loss for both of us was set.

The first hurdle was Yolanda – our scales – more commonly referred to as “that bitch, Yolanda”. Yolanda measured my BMR. I didn’t even know what a BMR was. It stands for “basic metabolic rate”, meaning the “minimum necessary energy to sustain life”. Mine measured as “does not meet standard”. So, much like Marley in A Christmas Carol, apparently I was dead to begin with.

That bitch, Yolanda, then told me that 32% of me was made of fat and my muscle mass was inadequate. TheBloke (TM) cackled smugly.

So I have been being really well behaved with my eating. I have made big batches of soup each weekend and eaten it faithfully for lunch every day, sometimes with a slice of wholemeal toast if I’m feeling especially peckish. A well-balanced dinner has been lovingly cooked from scratch every night. Last night I ate a fairly vast amount of cabbage.

I did a workout that left me so sore that I genuinely struggled to get out of the bath two whole days later, flopping around like a tortoise on its back as my stomach muscles refused to comply with an additional sit-up.

After nine days, I have lost 200g. For context, this is equivalent to a large muffin.

burger king mealYesterday we went to Milton Keynes for a spot of shopping. Conscious of not wanting to eat crap, I didn’t eat whilst we were out, instead waiting until we got home, when I had a big bowl of homemade celeriac and chorizo soup. TheBloke (TM), however, on arriving at the shopping centre, made Greggs his first stop for a sausage roll… and then ate a Burger King cheeseburger, onion rings, fries, chicken nuggets and a fat Coke for lunch.

He has lost two kilograms.

I am beyond livid. I am considering spiking his dinner with lard, but he’d probably only lose another six kilograms out of sheer spite.

Yesterday, after the soup-and-cabbage extravaganza, I put on 50g. I am so upset that I am thinking of writing to my MP.

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. So, I think the only solution is for me to get to KFC as quickly as my chubby little legs will carry me, where I can chomp myself thin. To be fair, if this actually works, I think we have the basis for a very successful weight-loss book. I will call it Gorge-ous.



  1. Barbara Nunn

    Haha! But why call the scales Yolanda? I resent that as a good friend of mine is called that (spelled differently)
    I have been trying to lose and 8 pounds for over a year now and honestly have tried.
    Gained two pounds is the latest update.

  2. Cassie Cannon

    Slimming world all the way Laura, I’ve tried every diet under the sun and this is the one that works!
    PS step away from the chorizo, Yolanda and chorizio are not friends!!!!

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